Hi, my name is Kyle Holmes, and this is my first blog on the Holmes is Where the Heart Is website. Danielle, my wife, and I have started Holmes is Where the Heart Is to gather and share our journeys in life and business. We hope you’ll find reading about the experiences and stories that have shaped our lives interesting, and we’d love to hear from you via our contact page.

I was compelled to share a little bit more about myself on this blog after I attended Fiona Scott’s recent PR Media Summit and got chatting about my story. I hope that perhaps by sharing a small snippet of my experience, I can inspire others. My story isn’t that unusual, but it’s not one that many people will share, especially men.

I’m 33 years old and it’s only in the last five years or so that I’ve discovered our ‘mindset’, the fact we can influence and shape it, and its power over our outlook and mood. The concept of mindset and sharing our feelings is still very new, especially for men. Back when I was growing up it wasn’t something many people would talk about, instead we hear people being told to ‘man up’, I think was the term used. I still to this day find this statement a little odd.

I guess it’s not a surprise then that until recently I never felt like I fitted in. I was never good enough, doubting everything, including my own thoughts and feelings. I had negative voices in my head constantly. I would scream, shout and even lash out at times as my own thoughts were so confused in my own head. I was told I was a quitter, that I was disruptive, and in many cases that was true. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – if you are told enough times that you are something, you become it. That’s something we learn when we explore mastering our mindset, but back then I didn’t know it – I just followed the path everyone expected of me rather than trying to understand my own path or thoughts.

As time has gone on, I realise that more understanding of my mind has really helped me grow as a person, partner and parent. Accepting that it’s not personal flaws or failures, but that it’s how my mind works, and I need to take that into account in every area of life.

That leads me onto ADHD. I’ve been diagnosed as having ADHD as an adult, but talking about this and having more awareness of this condition would have created such a huge benefit for me growing up. I now know that I don’t quit, I hyperfocus and then move to the next shiny thing. I’m not disruptive, I am over stimulated. I have a lot of skills and excellent knowledge of things I’m interested in but can move on very quickly if I’m not. I can be very emotional, even suicidal at times, which is still difficult to accept. That’s hard to deal with not only from a mindset point of view but also as a man when it’s still new to be open about our thoughts and feelings.

I am not suggesting everyone with ADHD has the same traits as I do. Everyone has their own version of normal, and I think that’s the main thing I have been able to learn how my mind works and accept it.

The voices in my head are loud, some days too loud, I can feel useless and not worthy, or I can be the opposite and feel on top of the world. Accepting who I am and being ok with that has been my biggest learning experience and I hope this small insight can be helpful to others. There really is no such thing as perfect or normal but there is such a thing as accepting who you are, warts and all.

Was I the perfect role model for someone to look up to years ago? No, I broke rules, I was unstable, and up until around 2016 I hadn’t really thought about trying to understand why I felt the way I did about myself and the world around me. Thankfully, I sought out the help I needed. Over the past six years or so, I’ve not only got married, built my dream business with my wife and hired staff, but I also am now learning to be ok with who I am. I surround myself with positive people, people that understand and who I can be myself around.

The self-doubt still kicks in sometimes, the overwhelm as a business owner, even my old temper tries to come in. Working on my mindset isn’t a miracle change where I am a different person, I am the same person, but I am able to get out of bed more days than not, I can be in control of my mind rather than the other way around.

Growing as a person is hard, but it’s also really exciting. I like learning and although learning more about myself can be very uncomfortable at times it gives me a way of becoming more accepting of who I am. I am allowed to hyperfocus, change direction, chat a lot and have down days – who said you can’t? Maybe there is still a lot of guilt and worry around mindset days or anxiety kicking in, it can stop you enjoying the day and it can be paralysing but it doesn’t have to control you.

So, as I wrap up my first blog here, some final advice.

Forget what society tells you to be and start allowing yourself to be you. Keep being you, allow yourself the ups and downs, own your quirky behaviour and talk to someone about how you are feeling when you need to.

Here are just a few of my personal recommendations for the latter:

John Lewis of JL Mindset Performance: https://jlmindsetperformance.co.uk/

Samantha Jayne – Samantha Jayne – Blocked to Blessed

Lottie Passell-Syms – Home | Couples Therapist | Lottie Passell-Syms | Otterbourne, Hampshire

Denise Little: https://www.mindreset.co.uk/

Best Mate, an excellent Swindon-based charity: https://bestmates.org/

Thanks for reading my first blog and if you are interested in following more of my thoughts and journey pop over to LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/kyleholmes/. I can’t wait to start sharing more soon.